I'll Know It When I Find it

on the brink
at the edge
staring down
over a ledge

letting go is as simple as
i love you
as final as death

eyes wide open
seeing for the first time
from black and white
to living color
life bursts forth

legs once thought to be
lame
put one foot in front of the other
a heart once though to be
silent
is beating out of its chest

a journey is only a journey
if the destination is
sure

i fancied myself a vagabond
a hopeful wanderer

destination escapes me now
but somewhere there is a
somewhere
to stay

The Road Less Traveled

I find it so fascinating that I can always feel when my life's about to break wide open.  This has happened umpteen thousands of times in my life.  Yet, with each new pressure that life places on me to push this breaking onward, I still find myself terrfied by it, as if I've never been to this place before, as if this is new territory.

It is, of course, new territory in the sense that I've never been to this particular fork in the road.  But the concepts and confrontations of forks in this road are nothing new.  I've come across thousands and thousands of splits on the road of my life.  Each time, I eventually choose, though I often throw the most unseemly and embarrassing tantrum before I do, and then I move forward.  And each time, I am ecstatic with my choice, knowing it was You all along guiding my way, and that I had absolutely nothing to do with where this road was taking me in the first place.

At this very moment along this very road, I am standing before a split.  A decision must be made, and I am breaking.  I feel the pressure of change pressing down on me with every breath and with every heartbeat.  Like a woman in labor, the pain and the pressure bears down on my very being, in the deepest places of my life, and whether I am ready for change or not, change is coming.  My course is set, and this cannot be stopped.  I am moments away from delivering something into my world of which I have no actual concept apart from my dreaming and my longing.  I have not a single idea of what it will look like, feel like, smell like, sound like, think like, love like, be like.

It is no secret to You that forks in the road shake me to my very core.  You've been by my side at each new twist and turn, and You've been the reasoning behind each decision made.  As much as I'd love to be able to take the credit for the course of my life, I know that I cannot.  You are my Guide - indeed, the very Way of the path on which I walk.

I have no idea where You are taking me, and I'm as uncomfortable as hell, but I'm letting go, as I have so many times before, and as I will so many times to come.

Help me to choose where it is that You're leading.  There are always multiple choices, but there is only one Way.

Creativity Killed the Cat

I am becoming more and more convinced that creativity is God's favorite thing about us.  There are several reasons I think this:

1. He is creative, and I'm pretty sure its His favorite pastime.
2. We are created and His favorite of all He created, born out of His relishing in His favorite pastime.
3. All of our creative energy is wasted on trying to not be creative.

In my understanding, if there is a behavior which seems natural to humanity, it is usually the opposite to which we were designed to be inclined.  We spend most of our time either trying to be something we're not or trying to be nothing at all.  We don't spend a whole lot of time just being.

And we would discover if we did that what we are is creative above all else, living suffocated and stifled if we are anything but.

What is it exactly that we are so afraid of?  What is so terrifying about being yourself?  Why do we rob the world of our thoughts, ideas, inventions, passions, dreams?

There is too much inside of me to let it sit there any longer.  I don't care how terrifying it is.  I'm reaching inside, and whatever I find is what You're getting.

Self-Preservation: A Learned Habit for the Cross-Wired Homosapien

I'm the worst blogger EVER.

This was supposed to be something I picked up again to be an outlet for myself, and obviously, we see how well that has worked out.

This fact brings me to a thought: exactly where am I letting-out if not here?

The irony of life as I find it is that the moments you need something the most are also the moments you seem to find the fewest moments for those things.  Self-preservation is a natural human instinct and tendency, but somewhere along the way, I'm pretty sure my wires got crossed.  I forget that the best way of preserving myself (and thus, those around me from the wrath of who I am when I haven't self-preserved) is to take a few moments to quiet my mind, get with my Jesus, and remind myself that life is not complicated as much as it is wonderful and beautiful and excellent and exciting and satisfying.

Whenever I work with musicians, I always start with this:
"Stick to the KISS principal.  Less is more.  So give me more by giving me less."

It's a wonderful concept, lofty in its idealism.  And in the area of music, it works almost every single time.

Over the last 2 years, the Lord has had me on a journey specifically to teach me to adhere closely to my own lofty idealisms in every area of my life.  My life is more simple than it has ever been, and truly, I hardly know what to do with myself.  I fight Him tooth and nail in these matters because for the majority of my life, my identity has been in my busyness, lost somewhere in the swirling mess of sincerely-motivated endeavors gone awry.

Who am I apart from what I do?

I hate to say that I've lost myself in it because I swore to myself that I never would but...

I've lost myself in it.

The beauty of my Jesus and of this life He has graced me with is that He never lets me stay lost for long.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He preserves me when I cannot find a way to do it myself.

Old Dogs, Old Tricks

There is this constant gnawing deep in my soul, a not-so-gentle reminder that nothing is right unless I am Yours.  It's amazing to me that I've walked with You so long that I hardly know how to function apart from You, and yet, I am constantly inclined to run away, ashamed of the nakedness that I cannot seem to cover, no matter how hard I try.

I long to be covered only when I am with You, far more than I long for that in the presence of anyone else.  You're not a fool, as so many men are.  You see through the cheap gimmicks I use to divert people's attention from my nakedness with my desperate and pathetic attempts to be perfect on my own.

You see through me from the start, unimpressed and uninterested with my filthy rags of righteousness.  You are and always have been much more interested in the girl behind the gimmicks, the girl I cannot bear to present to You without some sort of song and dance.

How can it be that You're so interested in just me?  Dance, monkey, dance is not Your gig.  You could care less what I have to offer if it is anything beside me, myself, and I.

Humbled once again by this revelation that is old and still yet so new, I ask You simply to

Break the strings that are bound to me
That keep this marionette dancing.
Wipe away the rouge that hides
The cheeks that would be otherwise tear-stained.
Wash these feet that tire from running
And set them gently before Your own.

If I am to run, You should always be my destination.

Motivationally Challenged

I always find that the only time I'm truly motivated to write, sing, pray, meditate, read - and the list goes on - is when I'm beyond frustrated.

This is, of course, a completely unhealthy motivation, and I'm confessing it because chances are I'm not the only person in the world who relies on these unhealthy means to get in touch with the things I both love and need the most.

I'm fairly certain that true maturity lies somewhere beyond the point of being motivated by circumstances and emotions and being motivated by absolute truth.  Circumstances and emotions are not truth.  They are passing distractions, flimsy and foolish, silly and stupid.  Absolute truth does not really need a definition.  It just is - whatever the "it" may be that you're speaking of at the moment.

I want to be as solid and as immovable as absolute truth.  As much as it irritates my pride to the very core to admit, I am movable, petty and whiny and selfish and confused.

The only way for me to look like You, Jesus, is for me to be with You. And when my motivations for that are wrong, take my misguided efforts and use them to wash me clean so that my motivations will be right the next time around.

Am I Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

I John 5:14 - 15: "This is the confidence we have in approaching the Son of God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him."

As long as the Lord is hearing us, we can know that He's giving us the things we've asked of Him.  Period.  There's no spiritual hocus-pocus or Christianese voodoo we have to perform.  No amount of whining or begging or pleading.  God has ears.  And as long as He does, He hears His children.  And as long as He hears His children, He is providing the requests they put before Him.

The question is whether or not we can wait on Him while He does the things that we ask of Him.

I was a very confident child.  If I marched up to my father and asked him for something, I didn't think once that he wouldn't give it to me.  And, if it were a reasonable desire, for the most part, I received the thing that I had requested.

However, if I grew impatient and whined about how long it was taking for me to receive the thing I asked for, then guess what?  I usually didn't get it.  At least not until I'd received a good reminder of who was Father and who was not.

I'm speaking mostly to myself when I say that we seriously need to get with the program.  These concepts are very elementary - literally.  These are lessons I learned in grade school, yet I still find myself whining and complaining to a Father who is infinitely more good and has infinitely more resources than my earthy father.

How I can doubt for one moment that He is not making a way for me even now?

Forgive us, Jesus.  Teach us how to wait on You.