charity case

i am an avid reader. always have been. when i was a child, i could lose myself completely in a book, wrapped up in the worlds made available to me only through binding and ink. i would spend days and days reading, filling my mind with nothing more than nonsense and fantasy and gibberish. the good stuff of life, really.

i miss those days. i find myself too busy for gibberish and fantasy as of late. HOWEVER, when i do find it in me to waste my time on something useful like reading, i have a tendency to read and then re-read books - again and again. i never trek the same world twice or feel the same emotions twice or learn the same thing twice. it's always something different each time. this is not ALL books, of course. only ones which i found life-changing the first time around. once life-changing, always life-changing, i say.

i am currently re-RE-reading (that would be the third time) blue like jazz by donald miller. if you have not read this book, BUY IT. if you don't have the money, STEAL IT. or borrow it. stealing's just more exciting.

now, i'm not yet completely through my third round, but the last chapter i read moved me in a way i cannot explain. the best part is that i hardly remember reading this chapter before. perhaps it is because of the place i am at in life that it stood out to me.

i am comfortable. i have pretty much everything i want, and most certainly, i have everything i need. i am young and have my whole life ahead of me, so i have not yet arrived. ("arrived." a word we use a lot in american chistendom. what the heck does that even mean, anyway?) but i am well on my way to wherever it is that i am going. for the first time in perhaps 5 years, i understand that the path i am on is useful (a change of perspective, not necessarily reality), and i am enjoying it for the most part (at least right now).

ok. enough. to the good stuff.

the chapter i spoke of above has one concern: grace. this is another word flung about on a regular basis in american christendom. grace is the crux of christianity, and even a using a word like crux in this sentence speaks deeply of how powerful that truth is. everything points back the cross, for it is without argument the most beautiful grace experience that one human being could offer another.

the power of this chapter, however, is not in its portrayal of the beauty of grace. grace is beautiful. that is a given. the true power is in the realization that i am unable and unwilling to identify myself as one who is desperately in need of grace. donald miller uses the phrase "charity case."

i am so comfortable, so self-impressed, that it is difficult for me to think of myself as someone who is embarrassingly in need of grace. pathetically in need of grace. it is hard for me to admit that for me, grace is a necessity, not a nicety. it is life and breath and food and drink, not a mercedes benz or a triple venti skinny vanilla latte with no foam. it is the theme around which my entire life revolves.

i am a mess. i need help. i am a charity case. and most of the time, i hate it. i am ashamed of it. i want to hide it behind smiles and handshakes and sunday morning "God bless yous" and "praise the Lords." but all the pretty words and random acts of kindness in all of the world cannot save me from what i am. it cannot change the truth.

i need grace.

it seems so elementary, you know. grace. christianity. Jesus. forgiveness. uhm. duh. if i can't get that, then what's the point?

but it's subtle. i think i get it. that's the problem. i call my form of godliness a life lived by the grace Christ has offered me. but anyone can stop cussing or smoking or be an usher or go to church every sunday or even , if you want to be radical, actually give a crap about other people.

but where is the power? grace is powerful. one man being selfless changed the entire course of human history for all eternity! even if you don't care about Jesus or who He really is, you cannot deny that fact. whether or not Christ is who He says He is does not negate that fact that what He did changed everything for everyone forever.

but that kind of powerful, world-changing grace escapes me. i have no idea what that's about because i cannot accept the fact that i can't do anything alone. i will always be in rehab, i will always need a support group, i will always be in need of therapy, i will ALWAYS be a charity case.

i just need to learn how to love it. or at least accept it.

i'd love to be able to have the kind of attitude paul had about it. he complained to God about a certain hardship he was facing. he asked the Lord to remove the hardship, and the Lord gave him an answer. He said, "no." well, essentially. He said it nicer than that, as only God can, but in the end, the answer was still, "no," offering only His grace to face the situation.

and paul responded like this:
"therefore, i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong."

now, that is powerful.